[Happy music]
JACK: Serenity Plaza! Gated community. Outside the ring road, beyond the traffic lights and then second left after the 24-hour garage. You can’t miss it! Fighting the weeds in our gardens on behalf of the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award. The twenty-first century is when everything, hopefully, stays exactly the same. And that’s just the way we like it! Anybody want a blueberry muffin?
….
[Car engine gets closer. Engine stops. Car door shuts. Bag rustles]
JACK: Ohh boy, it sure is good to be home. Evening Bob.
BOB: Evening, Ken.
JACK: Evening, Mary.
MARY: Evening, Ken. Beautiful day, isn’t it?
JACK: Oh, it certainly is, but not half as beautiful as your hair today! [Mary laughs] How do you do it??
MARY: Oh, you charmer!
JACK: Guilty as charged. [laughs]
BOB: Front lawn’s looking good
JACK: Well, not as good as yours. But may the best man win!
BOB: Thank you, I will. [Bob and Jack laugh]
VANESSA: Evening, Ken.
JACK: Evening, Vanessa.
VANESSA: What’s that lovely Ifan cooking up for you tonight?
JACK: Ohh, I have no idea. He likes to surprise me.
VANESSA: Ooo, I bet he does.
JACK: Ookay then. [laughs] See you around guys!
BOB: Catch you later!
EVERYONE: Don’t be a stranger!
[Key opens lock]
JACK: Honey! [door shuts] I’m home!
IANTO: You’re a sight for sore eyes.
[They kiss. Jack laughs]
JACK: You’re not so bad yourself. Hey, what’s for dinner?
[Intro music]
[People talking in the background]
JACK (sighing): Another beautiful day in Suburbia. Just like all the others. [Laughs] Morning, Bob.
BOB: Morning, Ken. Got a bit of mud on the old car door there.
JACK: Oopsie, bit of soap and water will get that right off.
BOB: Good thinking.
JACK: Morning, Mary.
MARY: Morning, Ken.
IANTO: Oh Sweetie, don’t forget your lunch!
JACK: Thank you, beautiful. Are the crusts-
IANTO (interrupting): Crusts cut off, just the way you like them. Freshly squeezed orange juice and a banana and poppy seed muffin.
JACK: Ooh, it’s not the only tasty muffin.
IANTO: Oh, you
[Jack laughs]
JACK: Well, gotta rejoin the rat race. See what my coworkers have been up to.
IANTO: I’ll hold down the fort here. Watch some Murder, She Wrote. Magic up a delicious, yet nutritious meal
JACK: How lucky am I?
IANTO: The luckiest. Now, go bring home the bacon.
JACK: Love you!
IANTO: Love you more! What a great place we live in
JACK: Such a great place. See you tonight, Honey
IANTO: Not if I see you first
[Happy music]
[Car stopping.
JACK: Woo! Home sweet home again. Evening, Bob.
BOB: Evening, Ken.
JACK: Evening, Mary.
MARY: Evening, Ken.
BOB: Didn’t manage to get that mud off the car, eh?
JACK: Oh, no not yet. It’s top of my list, though
BOB: I’m just looking out for you. The residents all vote for Best Lawn of the Month Award this week. It all counts. Wouldn’t want you to lose your chance.
JACK: We certainly wouldn’t want that!
BOB: After all, I want to beat you fair and square
[They laugh]
JACK: Oh, Bob, you are a card. Such a MASSIVE card.
BOB: I try my best. Catch you later.
EVERYONE: Don’t be a stranger!
[Key opens door]
JACK: Woo! [Door shuts] Honey, I’m home!
IANTO: You’re a sight for sore eyes
[They kiss. Jack laughs]
JACK: You’re not so bad yourself. Hey, what’s for dinner?
[Happy music]
[Cork from wine bottle pops. Wine pours into a glass]
IANTO: This evening, we shall be enjoying ravioli, made from homemade pasta…
JACK: Mmm
IANTO: ..Ricotta and spinach from the garden!
JACK: Woohoo
IANTO: Partnered with a cheeky Pinot Grigio
JACK: Homemade pasta!
IANTO: Thought I’d give my new pasta roller a try. It’s adjustable. 15 different settings!
[Jack laughs]
IANTO: Cheers.
JACK: Cheers
[They clink glasses and take a sip of wine.]
JACK: Oooh, you’re right that is very cheeky, almost as cheeky as you.
IANTO: Never. How was work?
JACK: Ah, another perfectly ordinary and perfectly fine day in the department store. Honey, how was your day?
IANTO: The usual. Little bit boring. But, boring is good. Boring is safe. And then you come home and everything is…
JACK: Boring?
IANTO: Everything I ever wanted.
JACK: Awww….. Honey, I think you’re boiling over.
IANTO: You’re not wrong.
JACK: No, uh, I mean the ravioli.
IANTO: I’ll turn it down. So, tell me about the rest of your day
JACK (sighing): Look at that view…. Okay, they’ve all gone indoors.
IANTO: Oh, thank god for that. I can only talk like a Stetford boy for so long.
JACK: What have you found out?
IANTO: Nothing. I still have no idea which one of them is the Sleeper.
….
JACK: There has to be something.
IANTO: What do you want me to do? Go round to everyone and say ‘Hey, how’s it going? Love your house, nice weather we’re having. Oh, and by the way are you an alien Sleeper from Cell 114 planning on taking over the Earth. Sorry to be a pain, it’s just we’re not really Ken and Ifan from Newport. We’re actually Jack and Ianto from Torchwood, undercover, wearing perception filters. We tracked a signal to this estate’s satellite dish and we’re trying to figure out which one of you is the Sleeper, but it’s taking a while and my boyfriend is getting bored. So if the Sleeper could just raise their hand so we could get over with, that would be absolutely peachy!’
JACK: Boyfriend?
IANTO: Oh, shut up. The Sleeper isn’t gonna give themselves away by accident, are they? They won’t know they’re an alien. They’ll have a whole life of fake human memories. If it’s Bob, even Mary won’t know!
JACK: No no, I don’t think it’s Bob.
IANTO: Well no, of course not. It’s obviously Vanessa from number 12.
JACK: Woah woah, what? Why?
IANTO: Because she’s weird. She’s worse than you. Every single word is a double, triple or quadruple entendre! It’s like living in a Carry On film. I had no idea the middle classes were so filthy!
JACK: Oh, they’re always the weirdest ones. Trust me. Anyway, it can’t be her, she’s gotta be 70 years old.
IANTO: Exactly. It’s always the ones you least suspect.
JACK: Have you been binge watching Murder, She Wrote again?
IANTO: ‘Course. Nothing else on during the day.
JACK: Come on, admit it. It’s kinda fun. Being someone else, I mean having a normal life. [Laughs] White picket fences, you know. The whole thing.
IANTO: It’s not real. None of it’s real.
JACK: What about your name? If none of it’s real, why did you choose the name ‘Ifan’?
IANTO: It’s a variant of Ianto.
JACK: Yeah, so why not pick something different? If it’s *so* different to the real you.
IANTO: I was in a hurry. You can talk. ‘Ken’.
JACK: Hey, what’s wrong with ‘Ken’?
IANTO: It means ‘handsome’. You actually searched for a name that meant good-looking, didn’t you?
JACK: [Scoffs] Maybe
IANTO: You should’ve chosen ‘Geraint’.
JACK: Good name! What does it mean?
IANTO: Old.
JACK: Watch it.
[Happy music plays in the background]
IANTO: Oooh, the pasta’s ready.
JACK: Ooh, boyfriend
[Ianto Laughs]
[Happy music]
[Alarm clock goes off.]
ALARM CLOCK: 8am! Today’s appointment: Car wash day. Good morning, Ken and Ifan. It’s time to WAKE UP!
[Ianto hits alarm clock. It stops. Ianto sighs]
IANTO: WHY did we think this alarm clock was a good idea?
JACK: I think it’s great. Also because all the other neighbours have them. Don’t wanna stick out, do we? Have to keep up with the Jones’s, Mr Jones.
IANTO: ‘Course we do.
JACK: Mmm.
….
IANTO: You know, it wouldn’t kill you to do the washing up once in a while.
[Cutlery clutters]
JACK: I did it yesterday!
IANTO: No, that was me. Same as every day since we’ve been here. You rinsing out one coffee mug doesn’t count. AND you left the toilet seat up again.
JACK: Why do you care about the toilet seat? We’re both men.
IANTO: It just looks better. Well, it does!
JACK: Look, I had no idea you were so… house-proud
IANTO: I am NOT! Could you be a bit tidier, that’s all!
JACK: Duly noted. Listen, I’m gonna hit the shower.
IANTO: Oh, don’t use the blue towels, they’re just for pretty!
[Jack sighs]
….
[Birds sing. Doorbell rings. Door opens]
IANTO: Oooh. Hi, Bob. Hi, Mary.
MARY: Hello, you.
BOB: Sorry to pop over unannounced. We made some cupcakes last night and did too many. Thought you and Ken might like some.
IANTO: That’s lovely! Thank you!
MARY: Probably not up to your standard. Sorry I didn’t use your cakes at the barbecue last week. Terry’s got that nut allergy and we couldn’t risk leaving them out.
IANTO: No, that’s… totally fine. My fault. Thoughtless.
MARY: They *looked* great, though. That’s a real skill you can pass on. In future.
IANTO: In future?
MARY: Kids. Sorry, that’s a bit presumptuous. Are you both thinking of having kids one day?
IANTO: Oh. Well… hasn’t really come up yet. Still, plenty of time. But yeah, probably. Kids are brilliant. Mad, but brilliant. What about you two? I suppose you’re gonna have the perfect 2.4 children. Probably checking all the school league tables already.
MARY: We’d love to. But we can’t. Had all the tests. Just.. unlucky.
IANTO: Oh, I’m… so sorry.
BOB: It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen. For no reason. We’re very lucky in lots of other ways. Can’t complain.
MARY: We could always adopt. At some point. Give someone a home who hasn’t got one. We’ve already got the nursery. Built it all back when we… thought we could. Well, you know.
IANTO: One day.
MARY: It’s fine. We’re fine. But hey, maybe we’ll all adopt at the same time. We can set up a playdate.
IANTO: That sounds great.
BOB: I mean, you’ll probably get first dibs on adoption. They do like to be modern, don’t they?
IANTO: I… suppose they do.
BOB: Anyway. Enjoy the cakes. Oh, keep an eye on your daffodils. Got some droopy ones. Although I shouldn’t be telling *you* that. You might win Best Lawn.
IANTO: Yeah, well, we all know who wins every month, don’t we?
BOB: You never know! See you around.
[Ianto walks through front door]
JACK: Who was that?
IANTO: Bob and Mary. Brought us cakes.
JACK: Oh yeah, what’d they really want?
IANTO: Nothing. Leaving aside all the petty competing over lawns and stuff. I think they’re just… nice people. Forgotten they still exist.
JACK: [Laughs] We’ll see. Okay, better get the car cleaned. Or we’ll never hear the end of it. Are you ready to soap up?
IANTO: When am I not?
[Jack laughs. Door opens, birds singing]
JACK: Hey Jo. Hey, Diane.
JO AND DIANE: Hello, Ken. Hey, Ifan. Beautiful day.
JACK: It is!
IANTO: It’s definitely NOT Bob or Mary. Starting to wonder if there’s actually a Sleeper here at all. We’ve been doing this ages now and nothing. Coffee mornings, bake sales, jumble sales, it’s endless! Not to mention the bloody Best Front Lawn of the Month Award. Which seems to be the Bob and Mary Win Bloody Everything Award.
JACK: Hey, there has to be something here. This is where the signals are being sent. Every signal is focused on this estate.
IANTO: But there’s no trace of Cell 114 technology anywhere! [Jack sighs] Maybe we’re just wrong this time.
JACK: We’re not! One of these people is an alien. We’re gonna figure out who it is and hit them with the sub-etheric resonator.
IANTO: Do we really have to use that? Melting someone’s bones while they’re still alive? It’s a bit… inhumane.
JACK: So is the genocide of the human race. Besides, it’s the only way to get past their forcefield. What makes you think it’s not Bob or Mary?
IANTO: Too much backstory. Why make their human personas want kids if they can’t have them?
JACK: Maybe their cover identity is not functioning.
IANTO: Why are you so desperate to believe someone here is an alien?
JACK: Why are you so desperate to believe they’re not?
IANTO (yelling): Because I’m sick of this place!
JACK: Woah, woah, woah! I thought you liked it here. Where did that come from?
IANTO: Oh, relentless mind-numbing repetition of every single day here, which you get to skip from dawn till dusk because hey, someone has to check in with the team!
JACK: Shhh hey hey, keep your voice down.
IANTO: I’ll do what I like. You’re not the boss of me.
JACK: Well, I kinda am.
IANTO: You know what I mean.
VANESSSA: Cooie! Hello, boys.
IANTO (under his breath): Oh great. (over the top) Vanessa!! Hiii!
VANESSA: I hope I didn’t see you arguing. Trouble in paradise?
IANTO: Nooo, it’s fine. Apparently I’m just wrong about everything.
JACK: Ohh haha, that’s not what I was saying.
IANTO: I think it’s perfectly clear what you were saying.
VANESSA: Now, stop that. The pair of you. Right now. Look at you two. So beautiful, so happy together. And you never know how long it will last.
[Jack laughs]
VANESSA: Do you know I was married before? No, because you never asked. My lovely Toby. Dropped down dead, two weeks after he retired. I’d give anything to have him back. Have that time again. Life is so horribly short. So don’t you two bloody dare waste any time arguing over nothing. D’you hear me?
JACK: Yes, Vanessa.
VANESSA: Good. I’m keeping my eye on you, you lovely boys.
JACK: Bye, Vanessa.
IANTO: Bye, Vanessa.
JACK: I’m sorry. I know it’s frustrating, but… [he sighs] we have to finish checking the place out. I-I really thought you’d like it here.
IANTO: I do! Sort of. It’s just a bit… y’know. Can we at least do it more quickly?
JACK: Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
IANTO: I dread to think. Ooh, Bob was right. Those daffodils are a bit droopy.
JACK: Oh, for shame! How are we gonna show our faces at the next residential meeting?
IANTO: I know! I’ve never been so embarrassed in my entire life! We’ve let ourselves down! We’ve let the neighbours down! We’ve let the whole community down!
[Jack and Ianto laugh]
JACK: We’ll get through this. We will.
IANTO: I know. Together we can do anything. Now, get back to washing the car. I want that shirt off in the next two minutes.
[Sound of sponge dunking in water]
….
[Doorbell rings in the distance. Ianto gasps and bedsheets rustle]
IANTO: What the hell? What time is it?
JACK: 9am. It’s Saturday. Too early for the postman.
IANTO: Ooh, you don’t think we’ve been found out?
[Doorbell rings again. A knock on the door]
JACK: Play it cool. You know what to do if we have to run.
[More knocking on door and doorbell ringing. Crowd cheering and applauding]
JACK: Woah, hey! Everyone! [he laughs]
IANTO: Did we miss a meeting or something?
BOB: On behalf of everyone at Serenity Plaza, it gives me great pleasure to present to you the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award.
[Everyone cheers and claps]
JACK: Oh, really?
BOB: Absolutely!
JACK: Hey!
BOB: Very well deserved, too.
MARY: Yes, about time someone other than us won it. We can’t win all the time! [she chuckles]
BOB: Yes. It takes all sorts, eh? Every garden is… different. [he laughs] Nice to see the committee awarding some out of the box choices for once. They don’t always go for something so… flamboyant. It’s not how I do mine, but hey! If we were all the same, life would be very boring.
IANTO: Oh, wouldn’t it just.
BOB: Here’s your certificate. And your bottle of wine. Enjoy.
IANTO: I certainly will. I think I’ll get the certificate framed.
MARY: We can recommend a great place. They do all of ours. We’ve got so many now.
IANTO (laughing): Not this month you haven’t.
BOB: Well, best leave you to it. See you at the barbecue tomorrow
JACK: We wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s the highlight of our week.
IANTO: The highlight of EVERY week. Every. Single. Week.
BOB: Catch you later!
EVERYONE (clapping): Don’t be a stranger!
[happy music]
[Jack and Ianto walk back inside]
IANTO: Did you see their faces? Oh, victory tastes so good.
JACK: I didn’t know you cared so much about the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award.
IANTO: I don’t! I care about Bob and Mary not winning. Every day we’ve been here, they’ve managed to drop it into every conversation. And now they can’t.
JACK: Until next month.
IANTO: We better not still be here next month or I’ll go on a killing spree with a lawnmower.
[Jack chuckles]
IANTO: I’ll be on forensic files. They’ll say I seemed like such a nice, quiet man. Kept himself to himself.
JACK: You- (laughs) You really have gone off this place, haven’t you?
IANTO: I was never on it! You think it’s cute and fun, but you’re not here during the day for all the petty mind games.
JACK: I thought you said they were ‘just nice people’.
IANTO: I take it back. They’ve worn out their welcome. Heyyy, (picks up wine bottle) this looks like quite a good wine. Let’s have a little party tonight, just you and me. Celebrate.
JACK: Sounds good, but we can’t drink too much. We have to stay sharp for tomorrow. We don’t wanna get caught out.
IANTO: Oh, don’t worry about it. I don’t get hangovers.
….
[Alarm clock goes off]
ALARM CLOCK: Goooood morning, Ken and Ifan. It’s time to wake- [Ianto hits the alarm clock]
IANTO: Oohh ohhh ohh, oh god. My head. My head.
JACK (mockingly in a welsh accent):’Oh, oh, I don’t get hangovers’
IANTO: Somebody must have spiked the wine.
JACK: Which one? The first bottle or your third? New rule. If you can’t pronounce ‘Savignone’, you’ve had enough to drink.
IANTO: Please stop talking so loudly!
JACK: Ohh, have you got a hangover? Hey, I know a song about hangovers. Do you wanna hear it? It goes a little something like this: (claps) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (blows three raspberries) LA
IANTO: I hate you.
….
IANTO: Another Sunday. Another barbecue. (almost crying) Another day of my life I’ll never get back.
JACK: Come on, it’s the only chance we get to search the houses.
IANTO: I know! I feel my brain turning to mush with every week that goes by.
JACK: Just a few more houses to go. I’ve got the scanner
IANTO: I’ve got the kebabs!
JACK: The what?
IANTO: The spiced peshawari lamb kebabs. For the barbecue. Everyone has to bring something. They’ve been marinating all night. Speaking of marinating all night. Hello, Vanessa!
VANESSA (laughing): Hello, my darling boys! I’ve made some cocktails for the barbecue. If you fancy a sip of something fruity.
IANTO: Oh, how could the day get ANY better?
VANESSA: Wait ‘til you see my Tagina.
IANTO (under his breath): That’s not how it’s pronounced.
JACK: Uh, shall we go, darling?
VANESSA: Oh, absolutely! Ooh, Ifan. Your kebabs smell nice.
IANTO: Thank you?
….
[Sound of barbecue]
BOB: Thank you all so much for coming. It’s great to see so many friendly faces!
MARY: And Jane.
[Everyone laughs]
BOB: And lovely to welcome the latest winners of the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award. Ken and Ifan!
[Everyone claps. Ianto laughs]
IANTO: Oh huh hoh, god
JACK: Just keep smiling.
IANTO: I am smiling, I’ve been smiling since we moved here. My face hurts from smiling. If we ever get out of this I’m gonna have to ply the smile of my face with a crowbar.
BOB: Always good to mix it up and have a new winner now and again. Can’t always be our front lawn, can it? Good to see some… unusual choices rewarded. I know it’s not to everyone’s tastes, so hey! Good for you.
IANTO (laughing, under his breath): You’re not to my taste either, believe me.
BOB: A toast. To Ken and Ifan.
EVERYONE: To Ken and Ifan!
JACK: Thank you [he chuckles]
[Everyone cheers]
JACK: Wonderful.
IANTO (under his breath): Kill me right now. Thank you! Thank you all so much!
JACK: Hey, it’s not about winning or losing. It-it’s the taking part that counts.
IANTO: But the winning is great too! [he laughs]
JACK: It’s been a joy getting to know all of you these past few weeks and, uh, I hope we get to know you even better. I wanna know every. Single. Detail!
IANTO: Vanessa won’t let that go without a joke.
VANESSA: You can come and inspect me any time.
[Jack laughs]
IANTO: THERE IT ISSS!
BOB: Anyway. Everyone have fun. Have some food. Plenty of drinks in the cooler. You know where everything is. Catch you later.
EVERYONE: Don’t be a stranger!
[Jack laughs]
MARY: Hello, you two. Having a good time?
IANTO: Ohhh, heyy, aren’t we? I mean, what can I say?
JACK: This is great. It’s really great, thank you.
MARY: Oh, I’m so sorry about your kebabs.
IANTO: Sorry? Why?
MARY: The marinade has cream in it. Gayna can’t have any dairy!
IANTO: Of course she can’t!
MARY: I couldn’t leave them out. Just in case. Sorry. You don’t have much luck with bringing food to ours, do you? Seems like there’s always something.
IANTO: Yeah, there always is, isn’t there?
MARY (to Jack): I know why you’re here.
JACK: You-you do?
MARY: Everyone knows.
JACK: Oh.
MARY: It’s obvious, really. You fancy Bob.
JACK: Uh- I- wh- excuse me, what now?
MARY: Oh, everyone’s noticed. Ken, you can’t pretend you don’t.
JACK: Well, I really don’t!
IANTO: Oh, come on, own up! You’re always saying how handsome he is!
JACK: What?
IANTO (imitating Jack with an American accent): Bob’s looking good today. Bob’s out cutting his grass again. And that Bob takes care of himself, doesn’t he?
JACK: I didn’t say any of those things.
MARY: It’s fine! I know you respect us too much to try anything. I don’t mind. And Bob’s quite flattered, to be honest. Maybe a bit curious. Though, he’ll never admit to it.
JACK: Oh, man, wow.
MARY: Little crush. Never hurt anyone, did it?
[Jack and Ianto laugh]
IANTO: Of course not! See? Told you they wouldn’t mind. Just a bit of fun, eh? Your little crush.
JACK: Right.
MARY: Exactly! Don’t worry, it’s fine! But I’ve got a little crush on you, Ifan.
IANTO: Eh?
MARY: Oh, you’re gorgeous aren’t you? And I’ve seen you giving me the eyes.
IANTO: No. No, I uh-
JACK: Don’t try to deny it. (Welsh accent, imitating Ianto) That Mary’s a bit of a one. Oooh, Mary’s got a new outfit. (regular accent) Honestly, he never stops!
[Mary laughs]
MARY: Listen to us! Quite a little love triangle, eh? Wait there’s four of us so, a love square. Love rectangle!
IANTO (laughing): I need another drink. Another two drinks.
MARY: Anyway, I better get back to the other guests. A mingler’s work is never done. See you later.
JACK: Buh bye!
IANTO: And I just vomited into my brain.
JACK: I told you, the middle suburbanites: the filthiest of all.
IANTO: This is funny??
JACK: It’s hilarious! I’m half tempted to make a pass at Bob and see what happens.
IANTO: I would murder you so much, you’d stay dead.
JACK: Oh, come on, they’re all talk. If we called their bluff, they’d run a mile.
IANTO: You watch. Any minute now. They’ll turn into sex fiends and have a big orgy. No whipped cream, though. (mockingly) Gayna can’t have bloody dairy! Terry’ll have to skip it all together, can’t have an orgy if you’ve got a nut allergy.
JACK (laughing):You’re still angry about the kebabs aren’t you?
IANTO: Yes I bloody well am!
[Jack laughs]
IANTO: Can we go looking for the alien psychopath now?
….
[Detector beeps]
JACK: That’s weird. The satellite dish isn’t transmitting very far. Just in and around the estate. It’s been receiving. What are they up to?
IANTO: Sooo… if they did have a sex party. Would you go if I wasn’t here?
JACK: What? ‘Course not!
IANTO: Uh huh.
JACK: I mean, well. I might have a look.
IANTO: A look?
JACK: Just to see. I wouldn’t join in.
IANTO: Well, that’s a relief. I feel so much better.
JACK: It bothers you that much?
IANTO: Nope. I don’t care. Do what you want.
JACK: I’m not seeing anyone else. Just you. I’m not a saint but I’m not *that* bad.
IANTO: You are very ugly though.
JACK: Oh, yeah? Well you can’t get enough of this ugly mug.
IANTO: Oh, I can.
JACK: Boyfriend.
IANTO: You know, we didn’t have to go undercover like this. There must’ve been a simpler way to figure out who the Sleeper is. I think you just wanted to give this life a go.
JACK: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
IANTO: You bloody do. You’ve actually been enjoying this.
JACK: I have to admit. I did wonder what it would be like. But (he takes a deep breath) it’s not what I’d hoped.
IANTO: Real life never is
….
[Door opens. Detector is still beeping]
IANTO (whispering): Vanessa’s house. Why am I expecting to find another skeleton in her rocking chair?
JACK: I think she’s very charming.
IANTO: You’d think an alligator was charming if it put on sexy underwear.
JACK: You heard her. She’s been through a lot, so what if she flirts a bit?
IANTO: A bit?? No trace of Cell 114 technology. Not here, not anywhere.
JACK: Well, we’ll have to search the place.
IANTO: Quickly. Before Vanessa gets back off her face on snowballs, looking for a bit of no strings fun.
JACK: I bet you’re just a little bit curious?
IANTO: Not in the slightest, thank you. Keep moving, chop chop.
[Footsteps. A door shits]
IANTO: Maybe we’re barking up the wrong tree altogether.
JACK (sighing): Last time we met Cell 114, when the Sleepers died, they all sent the same signal to this satellite dish. There has to be more to it. I mean, it feels like we’re just wandering around in the dark. Come on, let’s check the last house.
IANTO: Bob and Mary’s? It can’t be them! There’s a cover identity and then there’s deep, deep cover.
JACK: We have to go in and check.
IANTO: Everybody’s still in the garden, they’ll see us.
JACK: Yeah, so? We can pretend we’re sneaking off to the bedroom for a bit of (he laughs and puts on a British accent) how’s your father.
IANTO: Don’t. They’ll wanna join in.
….
[Door shuts. Detector starts beeping again]
JACK: Okay. So far, so normal.
IANTO: Well, normal for these people.
JACK: No trace of Cell 114 but plenty of Bob’s *terrible* aftershave. Wooh. Oh, oh! That is terrifying!
IANTO: What? Have you found alien tech?
JACK: No, a huge model railway! This must’ve taken years to build! I mean, who has that sort of patience apart from serial killers?
IANTO: A model railway? That’s the depth of depravity so far?
JACK: Looks like it. Eh, what’s this?
IANTO: Cooper’s… weed killer? Guaranteed results?! I don’t believe it. The cheating bastards! So that’s how they keep winning the Best Front Lawn of the Month Award.
JACK: Cheating? How is it cheating?
IANTO: Using ANY kind of chemical weed killer is not allowed. It’s strictly forbidden. (Jack sighs) You have to remove the weeds by hand! It’s a blatant breach of the rules! Goes against everything the Best Front Lawn contest stands for!... Listen to me. I’ve turned into one of them.
JACK: No, hey! Rules are rules. Oh, you are right.
IANTO: Okay, I’ve officially had enough. Can we leave now? Back to the Hub? Back to Jack and Ianto? Back to where *we* are the weird ones?
JACK: What about the Sleeper cells? The invasion?
IANTO: I’m sure planet Earth can take care of itself. It’s not our job to protect it from every alien that comes along.
JACK: Uh, it is *totally* our job.
IANTO: I know! But this. We’ve been here for weeks! Weeks!! I don’t know how many more barbecues I can take. I’ve forgotten how to be normal. How do they stand it? Going through their lives every day without tearing their hair out in frustration. I used to think we were the strong ones. Turns out ordinary Jo and Jenny Public are the strongest ones of all.
JACK: And that’s why we have to keep going for Jo and Jenny Public. To keep them safe.
IANTO: Yes, but how long can we keep coming up empty-? (he gasps)
[Detector keeps beeping]
JACK: What?
IANTO: Where’s the utility room?
JACK: Next to the kitchen.
IANTO: Yeah, yeah. Alright, smart-ass. I mean where’s the door to the utility room?
JACK: Same place it is in all of the houses, they’re exactly the same. Right next to the- Ohh.
IANTO: Yup.
JACK: Ohh. It’s gotta be here somewhere.
IANTO (knocking): Hello.
JACK: Huh? (he knocks on the wall)
IANTO: I can feel the edges of the door. But I can’t see it.
JACK: Oooh, that’s clever.
IANTO: Perception filter.
JACK: Way more advanced than ours. This isn’t Cell 114 tech, they’ve stolen it from somewhere else!
IANTO: That’s why we couldn’t detect it. Let me recalibrate the scanner to scan for this technology. [He adjusts some dials on the scanner]
JACK: Woah!
IANTO: Yeah. There’s a ton of it. Whatever it is, it’s all here. Naught Bob.
JACK: Or Mary. Could be either one.
….
[Footsteps]
JACK: Here we go. Sleeper cell mission control.
IANTO: They’ve got feeds from several other prototype satellite dishes. This is the core of the operation. What are they up to this time?
JACK: Check this out. They knew we’d anticipate another all-out attack, so they changed their approach.
IANTO (opening a drawer): More stolen technology. The dishes are sending out a signal that alters molecular structure. They’re converting human beings into Sleepers. It turns the real human memories into a cover persona and implants the stored consciousness of an alien underneath.
JACK: Anyone who lives close enough to the new-build estates gets converted. Ahh, some of these dishes are next to military bases. They don’t have to fire a single shot. They can just take over while we’re all sleeping.
IANTO: We- we’ve been here for a while. We might’ve been affected already. How long does the process take?
JACK: I don’t know. Would we even know if it’d happened? Would we keep our memories until we… activated?
IANTO: I don’t know. I’m still me, though. I’m pretty sure I’m still me. Aren’t I?
JACK: Well, I hope we both are.
IANTO: We’ve gotta stop them. If we don’t, nobody will ever know the planet has been taken over until it’s too late.
….
(Back at the barbecue. People talking)
JACK: They’re not here. Hey! Has anyone seen Bob and Mary?
MAN: Not for a while, I think they went to the shop.
JACK: Oh.
MAN: Now, who’s up for a spit roast?
[Everyone laughs]
IANTO: Come on! Enough with the meat-based sex jokes! What *is* the matter with you people? You can’t go two minutes without saying ‘sausage this’, ‘spit roast that’, ‘pork the other’. It’s enough to make me a vegetarian. It’s exhausting! Give it a rest, will you? For the love of God. Give. It. A rest.
MAN: I, uh. I meant an actual spit roast. For the barbecue. (He opens the barbecue lid) See?
IANTO: Oh. Right. Sorry.
JACK: Uh excuse me, we have to go now. Thank you so very much, carry on, enjoy the spit roast, we are leaving. NOW.
….
[Jack laughs]
JACK (still laughing): ‘Spit roast’! You thought he meant- HA. That is hilarious.
IANTO: Yeah, yeah, shut your face.
JACK: Oh, how long has that speech been building up?
IANTO: Quite a while!
[Jack laughs]
VANESSA: My boyyyys!
[Jack clears his throat]
VANESSA: You’re not leaving the party already, are you?
(Glasses clink)
IANTO: Oh goddddd.
VANESSA: Don’t worry about that. We can have much more fun together. I’ve liberated a couple of bottles from the barbecue. Why don’t we pop over to mine for a… private party?
JACK: Vanessa, darling, that sounds lovely but we’re kind of in a hurry. Have you seen Bob and Mary anywhere?
VANESSA: Are they not at the party?
IANTO: Nope, and nobody knows where they’ve gone.
VANESSA: Oh. Why do you want to speak to them so urgently?
JACK: It’s important. What time did you last see them?
VANESSA: Uhh I’m not sure. I’ve had a few drinks. You could just wait at mine. I’m sure they’ll be back sooner or later.
IANTO: We can’t wait that long.
VANESSA: Why not?
IANTO: We just.. Really need to talk to them. Alone.
VANESSA: Lovely boys! Why are you so nervous?
IANTO: We’re not nervous.
VANESSA: You are! Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong and you’re not telling me. Oh. Ohh. What’s happening? (sounds of cracking) Ughh I- uhh- don’t feel- ughhhh. I don’t feel-
VANESSA (as the Sleeper, her voice now synthesised): Who are you? And what do you want?
JACK: Wait, YOU’RE the Sleeper? That’s why there was a perception filter in Bob and Mary’s house. YOU didn’t want them to know there was anything there. And if we found it, it would draw suspicion away from you!
VANESSA: I said: Who are you and what do you want?
IANTO: I *told* you it was Vanessa.
VANESSA: I will ask you one more time. And then I will hurt you until you tell me. Who are you and what do you want?
BOB: Hey, guys! What are you all doing here? The party’s back there.
MARY: Yeah! Come back and have another drink.
JACK: Keep back. Just keep away from her.
BOB: Who? Vanessa? Why? Oh, blimey. Have you hurt your arm? Looks like you’ve burned it. Were you trying to have a go on the barbecue again?
VANESSA: Go back into your houses.
MARY: Have you had a bit too much to drink, love?
JACK: Keep away from her, She’s not Vanessa, she’s a Sleeper agent from Cell 114.
MARY: She’s a what?
IANTO: A stabby arm alien.
BOB: Oh, come on! Th-there’s no such thing as aliens!
[Mary laughs. Vanessa’s arm extends]
BOB: Woah there!
IANTO: And that would be the stabby arm I mentioned.
VANESSA: Tell me who you are and what you want.
MARY: This is crazy! Vanessa what are you playing at?
VANESSA: If you won’t tell me, I’ll have to dispose of you.
JACK: Oh, come on, really? There’s one of you? We’re Torchwood, check your files. You know how this went down before.
VANESSA: Thank you. Now we know who we are disposing of.
JACK: We? Wait wait, who is ‘we’?
[Bob grunts. More cracking noises]
MARY: Bob? Bob?! What’s happening to your arm? Bob??
BOB: I don’t know. I- can… somebody help me? It hurts!
MARY: Bob!
JACK: Bob’s a Sleeper too?
MARY: What? Bob! What’s happening to you?
BOB (as the Sleeper, his voice now synthesised): Why haven’t your self-protection protocols activated yet, Mary?
MARY: Why are you talking all weird?
IANTO: It’s both of them.
BOB: You must activate.
MARY: I’m not ‘activating’, whatever that means. What’s up with him? Bob! It’s me, Mary! Your wife! We’ve been married for six years!
BOB: No. That is no longer the truth. We are Cell 114.
MARY: Bob! Why are you saying these horrible things? Is it because I wanted that Justin Timberlake calendar? I knew you were upset about it
BOB: This is all a lie. YOU are a lie.
MARY: Stop this horrible game, I don’t like it.
IANTO: You’ve clearly got a lot to talk about.
JACK: Shall we leave you to it?
VANESSA: Stay exactly where you are.
BOB: There is nothing to discuss.
MARY: There bloody is! I’m not going to let this one go.
BOB: You never do. Always talking. You are unbearable.
MARY: You complete and total…Shit. Are you drunk?
BOB: I wish I was. Activate.
[Sound of cracking]
MARY: No! Can’t! My arm! What’s happening? No!
JACK: Stay with us, Mary. Stay human. Stay who you are.
BOB: You’re not human.
VANESSA: You are Cell 114.
MARY: Please! Help me! Stop this!
IANTO: Don’t let it take you over.
MARY: I can’t! I can’t stop!
BOB: You’re pathetic. Clinging to your dream of a normal life in this idiotic place. We are soldiers now. We have purpose.
MARY: No! No I’m not! (breathing deeply) I don’t want to change!
BOB: You’re not changing. You’re returning to who you really are.
MARY: Nooooo!
BOB: Well?
MARY (as a sleeper, her voice synthesised): I’m fine now.
VANESSA: Good. Take these two. Find out what they know.
IANTO: You’re not taking us anywhere!
VANESSA: YOU cannot stop us. Nobody can.
JACK: Yeah right. You and whose army?
VANESSA: We are ALL soldiers. Together.
JACK: Ianto, move!
[They run. Jack grunts]
IANTO: Jack!
JACK: No! Just go! Ianto! Get to safety!
….
[A door opens and closes. Ianto grunts, moving furniture to barricade the door]
IANTO (sadly): Jack.
[Jack grunting in the background, getting punched/kicked]
VANESSA (in the background): He can’t go anywhere. Leave him in there for now. We must continue our work. Take this one and lock him up!
JACK (in the background): We’ll stop you! We- [he gets hit and grunts]
IANTO: I’ll find you, Jack. Hold on. Just hold on.
….
MARY: We can’t just leave him in there.
VANESSA: We’re not wasting any more time on him. He can’t hurt us locked away in there.
MARY: We should just kill this one.
BOB: We need to find out what else they know. And it’ll stop the other one running away. That is their biggest weakness. Their emotional connections. It’s why they’ll never win.
….
[A glass is placed on a table]
IANTO: Value vodka. At least their fake human identities are thrifty. That’s sort of comforting. In a weird way. (he pours himself some vodka and takes a sip) Mmm! That tastes… SO reasonably priced. Sleeper army in a gated community. Suppose it’s kind of a relief to find out they’re all genocidal alien psychopaths. Right, if you don’t get out of this, they’ll just keep converting everyone. Downside: the extinction of the human race. Upside: No more Louis choice week on X Factor. (he breathes deeply) I’ve got my backup plan. But.. it doesn’t really work if I’m by myself. What would Jack do? He’d march into battle, swish his big coat around and say something outrageous. Shoot everyone. Which doesn’t work as often as he thinks. (he sighs) But that never stops him. He’d do it anyway. Despite the odds. Oh well. Here goes nothing.
[He presses some buttons, humming to himself]
IANTO: And tonight for dinner we will be enjoying an improvised explosive device made from an alarm clock, cleaning products and garden fertiliser. Partnered with a cheeky can of petrol. Oooh, that really is terrible! Bloody aliens. No taste. (he sighs)
….
[A door opens and slams shuts]
IANTO: Right then. All or nothing. Do or die. (he shrieks in surprise) Shitting hell!
JACK: Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.
IANTO: You didn’t *scare* me, I just wasn’t expecting to see you!
JACK: I didn’t scare you? So, what was that noise you made?
IANTO: What noise?
JACK: Sort of a… yelp.
IANTO: I did NOT yelp.
JACK: Definitely a yelp.
IANTO: It was a… victory yelp.
JACK: Uh huh.
IANTO: *Anyway*. What the HELL are you doing here? I was just about to go running into danger. By myself. To save you.
JACK: Ohh, my dashing hero.
IANTO: Glad I didn’t bother now. What happened?
JACK: Well, I managed to sneak out. As long as we’re out of the way, they don’t need to watch us.
IANTO: Well, that’s a bit insulting. We’re totally dangerous.
JACK: It doesn’t matter. They’re activating the next phase of their plan. They’re desperate. This is their last chance. Their own planet has died, they’ve stripped it of resources. They need a permanent home. They need Earth!
IANTO: If we can get to the sub etheric resonator in the car then we can stop this.
JACK: Ohh, so let’s fight our way out.
IANTO: With what? We can’t fight off an army of Sleeper aliens with a casserole dish and a butler’s friend.
JACK: Could we activate the resonator remotely?
IANTO: We..could. (scanner starts crackling) And the community’s signal jammer would keep it confined to the street. Buut, it would kill us too. It melts bone. All bone. Yours will grow back. Probably.
JACK (sighs): Maybe that’s what we have to do. Maybe that’s all we can do. Sacrifice ourselves to save the world. Is there any other way to stop them?
IANTO: Maybe. We’ll need to get to Bob and Mary’s house first.
….
JACK: Uh, why are we going to the most dangerous place in the street?
IANTO: We need to find a piece of the new alien technology so I can scan it. If I can recalibrate the resonator, I can target anyone with that technology in their body. It’ll skip us and kill them.
JACK: That’s pretty clever. Think it’ll work?
IANTO: Only one way to find out.
….
[Beeping]
IANTO: It’s already starting. It’s bigger than we thought. Look! They’re using our own satellites against us, coordinated by their ship in orbit. That must be where they’re storing the alien gene signatures.
JACK: So it’s not just a few estates. They’re going to convert the entire human race all at the same time.
IANTO: We have to stop it. I’ll scan the tech and start recalibrating.
JACK: Even if we kill the Sleepers here, this is just one cell. We won’t be able to stop the global conversion. There’s nothing we can do.
IANTO: Are you saying we should give up?
JACK: No, of course not. I just… I don’t know *what* to do.
IANTO (suspiciously): How did you get away from them? Exactly.
JACK: Ehh, you know me. Some charm, some smarts. [he chuckles] A well-placed punch.
IANTO: No. How *exactly*.
JACK: What are you saying?
IANTO: How do I know you’re really the real Jack Harkness?
JACK: Oh, come on! Don’t be ridiculous! Of course it’s me, look at this chin!
IANTO: The real Jack would have more of a plan.
JACK: Gimme a break. I just can’t think of anything right this second, that’s all. I’m Captain Jack, not Captain Insta-Plan.
IANTO (Cocks a gun): Back up. Over there. Don’t move.
JACK: Where have you been hiding that gun?
IANTO: I’m bendy.
JACK: Hey, it’s really me. Okay? Why would they send a fake version?
IANTO: Maybe to keep me busy? Maybe the conversion signal did its job on you.
JACK: YOU are being paranoid. We don’t have time for this.
IANTO: No. You’re right. We don’t have time for this.
JACK: Thank you.
IANTO: Sorry.
JACK: WAIT DON’T-
[Gunshot. Jack screams and falls to the floor]
IANTO: That… happened. I’m sorry. Please be the real you, I need you here.
….
[Car breaks to a stop. Footsteps walking on gravel]
BOB: Is everyone ready?
MARY: Yes. The conversion signal is almost at full strength.
….
[Jack gasps as he comes back to life]
IANTO: Bloody hell! Oh, I thought you weren’t coming back this time. Don’t scare me like that!
JACK: So don’t shoot me in the head!
IANTO: I’m sorry. I had to be sure.
JACK: You know you could’ve asked a question that only the real me would’ve known?
IANTO: Okay, in my defence, stressful situation. Didn’t think of that. And, hey! If you were a Sleeper you’d probably have had all Jack’s memories. Just hurry up and come back faster next time.
JACK: Uh- Next time?
IANTO: Figure of speech.
JACK (breathing deeply): You nearly there with the scanner?
IANTO: A couple of minutes.
JACK: We might not have that long.
IANTO: Going as fast as I can. Once it’s ready, it’ll melt the bones of any Sleepers in the estate. It’s only a temporary fix, though. The global conversion will still go ahead.
JACK: It’s all we can do right now. At least we’ll go down fighting.
….
[Bob grunting while banging on a door]
BOB: Let us in! You can’t stop us. You’re just delaying the inevitable! (he carried on banging on the door)
IANTO (from behind the door): Go away, stabby! Your front lawn was mediocre at best!
[Door creaks]
IANTO: Hold them off!
JACK: I am trying!
IANTO: I need more time!
JACK: Well try harder because I think I’ve figured out a way to stop them.
IANTO: Oh, your timing’s impeccable! No wait, the opposite of that.
[Jack grunts, while door is being kicked in by Bob]
JACK: If I can trigger the resonator, then we have a chance.
IANTO: I hope so. Because they’re gonna get really, really pissed off right about….. NOW.
[Explosions]
BOB: What is happening?
MARY: They’re blowing up the houses.
BOB: Yes, I can see that thank you, but how?
MARY: Some sort of explosive device.
BOB: You’ve been a great help, today. Open this door! NOW!
[He grunts. The door creaks]
JACK: You set all of the houses to blow?
IANTO: Yes.
JACK: And you didn’t tell me?
IANTO: You might’ve been asleep but also, drama!
JACK: Woah!
IANTO: The estate has a drainage tunnel running through it. If you wrap a bottle in a towel and let it slip down, it blocks the end. So you can fill the whole thing up with petrol. The gas boilers are right over the tunnels. And the blowback ignites them. Once the first house went up, it started setting all the others on fire. I studied all the blueprints. Over 800 pages of them.
JACK: Wow.
IANTO: I’ve had a lot of time to myself. I’ve been setting things up day by day.
JACK: Well, it won’t make a difference if they get through the door before the scanner’s ready.
IANTO: Keep telling me to hurry up! That’ll save time!
JACK: They’re almost through!
IANTO: Hold on. Here. It’s ready.
BOB: Stop!
JACK: Now!
[High-pitched noise emits from resonator. Bob, Mary and Vanessa grunt/scream and sound of bones melting/bubbling. Mary gurgles]
IANTO: I’m sorry, Mary.
[More bubbling]
IANTO: Oh, that *is* disgusting.
JACK: They’re still alive!
IANTO: Not for long.
JACK: Okay, Bob. Call this off. Contact the rest of your people, tell them to move on. Otherwise, I’ll use your satellite uplink to transmit this weapon all over the world. To your ship in orbit. Your last ship. Filled with the gene signature of your people. Every single one of you will die in agony. I don’t wanna do it, but I will. Or tell them to leave in peace.
BOB: We’ll never stop. You are nothing to us. Nothing. You’ll just have to kill us all. And live with it.
JACK: I gave you a chance. You should have taken it. A-Are you *smiling*?
BOB: Because this. All of this. Won’t make a difference. It’s only a matter of time before you destroy yourselves. It’s in your nature. All the advances you make, and still. You’re on a knife edge.
JACK: The human race is better than that.
BOB: No. It’s not. Like Cell 114, they’re aggressive and they never give up. This planet is doomed. At least we would’ve made it quick.
JACK: Catch you later, Bob. [Bob starts to gurgle] Don’t be a stranger.
[Sound of melting]
IANTO: Are you really gonna transmit the signal? It’ll be the end of their species.
JACK: You heard them, they’ll never stop. I can’t just let them wipe out the human race. I have to end it!
IANTO: Here. I’ve linked it to the transmitter. But if you wanna do it, you can push the button yourself. I can’t have that on my conscience. Sorry.
JACK: I could’ve just walked away. THEY’RE making me do this. I don’t really have a choice. I- I don’t have a choice.
[He connects the resonator to the transmitter]
IANTO: Is that it?
JACK: Yeah. They’re all dying. Right now. All over the world. Up in their ship. Just pushing a button. Seems so easy. Easy when you don’t have to see it.
IANTO: Are.. you okay?
JACK: Sure I am! The dashing hero saved the day, defeated the evil bad guys and gets to take you home [he laughs] What’s not to like? (he sighs) I’ll be fine. You?
IANTO: *I’m* looking forward to getting back to reality. Or as close to reality as this job lets us get. All this jolly neighbour, happy family stuff. It was never real.
JACK: Let’s get the hell out of here.
….
[Explosion. Fire crackling]
JACK: Well, we’ve certainly left our mark on Serenity Plaza. Nobody’s winning next month’s Best Front Lawn Award. [he chuckles] I think I’m gonna call this ‘the Torchwood makeover’.
IANTO: Funny how every single house is on fire except for ours. Maybe that says something about how strong we are. In the face of all the impossible odds.
[Explosion]
IANTO: Ooh, nope, there it goes.
JACK: This is why we can’t have nice things.
IANTO: Were we ever really cut out for a normal life?
JACK: I don’t know. Maybe we’re more like the Sleepers than we thought. We’re all soldiers. We all have to keep fighting. We were living a lie and so were they.
IANTO: Not quite the same thing, though.
JACK: No, but, maybe we’re *so* used to doing this, maybe we don’t even want a normal life anymore.
IANTO: Maybe. That’s kind of sad, isn’t it?
JACK: It was fun for a while, though. White picket fences, dinner on the table when I got home. Safe, reliable, regular…
IANTO: Boring.
JACK: Us together? That could never be boring. Boyfriend. (he laughs)
(Outro music)
Scott: Hello my name's Scott Handcock I'm the director of Torchwood at Big Finish and I'm joined this afternoon byyyy
John: John Barrowman
Gareth: Gareth David-Lloyd
James: and James Moran
Scott: Welcome back! John and Gareth, this is the first time you've recorded together for a fewww years now.
Gareth: No we recorded last year!
John: Yeah but we weren't together.
Gareth: No, we weren't. No we weren't together were we. No.
John: We had a transatlantic relationship.
Gareth: you, you were by the pool in Palm Springs.
John: I was. I was bi-coastal.
Gareth: and I was in a Cardiff bus stop. yeah.
John laughing
Scott: Just by Splott Meat Market!
John: Hey, I'd rather be in the Cardiff bus stop!...Not!
Scott: But, I mean how is it I mean the chemistry between you is great even when you're not in the room. But is it nice to come back and play this stuff...live, as it were?
John: Yeah, I think that the one thing that's really nice about playing Jack, and also I'm sure Gareth, with playing Ianto, we had these characters embedded in our bodies and our souls so much that even I would say captain jacks like putting on a good coat which ironic because he has that great coat but its easy to get back into the characters. we didn't even have to do anything today when we started we just picked up. Its almost like picking up where we left off.
Gareth: Yeah, its always a pleasure and it much easier when we're in a, in a room together. When were recording, when John's away you can sort of- you can sort of hear John saying the lines because we worked so much together but there's always this sort of um an extra electricity when we're in the same place recording live.
John: Also the scenes, like the bedroom scenes and making out scenes are much easier to do because ya know hes right here.
Gareth: yeah. and (unintelligible)
John: and we really do!
Gareth: yeah.
everyone laughs
Scott: and James, welcome back to torchwood! its uh your first episode since- Children of Earth? is it?
James: It is. Yes. um.
John: Which was brilliant James!
Gareth: eh, All thanks to me.
James: yeah.
John: e-ev, everyb-everybody, and that's the one, funny enough, Children of Earth's is- is the one that everybody says That's like, what- you know... changed their attitude for torchwood.
Scott: Yeah, James your third episode was the last one that didn't kill Ianto. so um
James laughing
Scott: there you go.
Gareth: Thanks for that James. but um, but. yeah.
James: But y- But I was in the room and I-I was, I was part of that decision and they, they didn't want to do it but I insisted. (Gareth: you were, yeah. laughter)I said we've got to get rid of him (Scott: oh you're taking the flak for that now?) I was like no hes awful. awful character. awful actor. lets just end this misery now.
Gareth: f*ck it I've got a shrine!
everyone laughs
Scott: but how has it been revisiting the torchwood world an these characters particularly?
James: its amazing its just like like putting on sort of your favorite, your favorite outfit again! um its- um- ya know um its been such a long time but I didn't even have to think or sort of remind myself. It was just like I-I know this. I know this universe. I know these people. And I just I c- I couldn't wait to get back into it! and I was just saying in the other room, its such a pleasure to do an audio of this because you can have longer streams of dialogue than you would be able to in a TV episode. Because you've gotta, you've gotta get to things much more quickly and be more economical. um So its nice to just let- have scenes where you can just let things breathe a bit. And and knowing that they're gonna be together in the room, uh together in the booth as, well, not in the same booth that- that'd be weird
Gareth:well, give it time.
James: Just knowing that they're gonna be together so that, so that they can riff off each other and it just it just let me kinda have some ridiculous strings of dialogue! Which I'm just,- I'm in the other room, I'm literally laughing at my own jokes like, like a lunatic
Scott: yes.
Gareth laughing
Scott: Yeah, John and Gareth as uh Jack and Ianto you get to play the sort of Happy Couple in this has that been a fun dynamic (Gareth: Yes!) to explore? sending yourself up a bit?
Gareth: Great fun! That's really good fun! Yeah okay, you can, you sort of see, if they did sort of end up together in a- in a perfect world would this sort of be where they'd end up? Um I doubt it. But it is a lot of fun to put them in that sit- to dump them in that situation and let it play out.
John: As we've been doing this one today I think that- uh and listening to it- I think it would be a great one if it was ever filmed. you know what I mean? (Gareth: mm) its one of those things that visually it would be fantastic also the playing that they do together because you know it uhh...
Gareth: It would be all the little looks and-
John: Well yeah, all the little looks and the stuff and the subtleties. Because actually if you take it, if you think about it, the heightened reality of what torchwood is anyway- um you know there's those little looks and subtleties that happen you know when they're being normal jack and ianto. However this way they're getting i-i-i- its- its more obvious and more in each other's face? rather than on the side or behind each other's back. Does that make any sense? (Gareth: mm) So it it'd be quite fun to do that. But I-I think its fun and the- the visual of uh some of the stuff that's happening. Like I love, at the end, when uh ya know their house is the only one that's not on fire and its "OPE there it goes!" (Gareth chuckles) And that, you know, so its, they're just and the normality. I know this sounds really strange but for the n- the the way that they're treated as normal in the neighborhood. (Gareth: mm) And they're a male couple, is- is also pretty cool, because its uh you know its it shows the the change of times and how, and- and actually then that kind of perfect world- (trails off as Scott starts talking)
Scott: and obviously this is a sequel to the TV story Sleepers
John: Correct.
Gareth: Spoilers!
Scott: What are your memories of filming that epis- and, and writing that episode?
John: that, well that was one of the episodes that was really, for us it was quite a challenge because we were filming it in... Do you remember the name of the military base Gareth?
Gareth: I don't, no.
John: well it was a military base in Wales and it was, uh... we had- we used it quite a few times, but this time in particular all of us had to uh get a little dirty? And also we were doing a lot of running around and it was one of the biggest explosions that we had ever done on the TV show. And I remember it was we were running away, I think it was... were we all running away from the explosion Gareth?
Gareth: Uh I don't- I don't think I was there that day I-
John: No, I think it might've just been Eve and I
Gareth: I think I was still...hub boy
James: Lots of explosions! I w- uh they, they liked to say that I spent the whole budget for the series with that one.
Scott: Well, I remember you blew up uhhh a building on Westgate street, (Gareth: a bank) in Cardiff. (James: Yeahh!!)(Gareth: that was incredible!) and it made the news because people assumed it was a terrorist attack.
James: yeah, but that th- that was kind of- that was all a bit overblown. Uh because they did actually tell everyone that they were doing it. And it was planned months in advance so I- I don't think anyone was actually frightened or scared (Gareth: it was it was what the newspapers said) I think the newspapers, it was the newspaper wasn't it, yeah.
John: But it did bring us extra publicity so we were glad of it!
James: exactly!
Gareth: They went 'Bloody Torchwood!'
everyone laughing
James: Yeah, I put you through a lot in that. There's uh that amazing circus, you and Eve again, um in the hospital when the windows blow in and you get you get covered in shit.
John: Yeah! I remember running down the hallway and she, she said to me "what are we gonna do?" and I said "just stay under my arm and i'll make sure nothing hits you." and it just went and uh we got covered in the glass. For those of you who don't know, in explosions, the glass is not made out of glass. Its made out of either sugar, its called candy glass. But also then when they're doing the explosion and its a close up shot they're throwing rubber glass at you! (Gareth chuckles) So and it gets stuck in your hair. Yeah, that was a good, that was a really good episode! that was, uh pretty awesome.
James: Yeah and they gave everyone earplugs and I was like "I don't need earplugs! they're air cannons! They're just gonna go phoo." (John: NO.) and then they went off and it was like "OH MY GOD!!"
Gareth: BOOM!!
John: That's why you're uh a l- you know a little hard of hearing now
James: Eh?
everyone laughing
James: Ha ha ha textbook.
Gareth: There you go.
Scott: And finally, just to wrap up, if Jack and Ianto were to live happily ever after, (John: *fake snore*)(Gareth laughing) how do you think it would, what would they do?
Gareth continues laughing
John: Well I dont mean that in that way!! I'm like i- umff, Of course you're gonna ask that question! (I can't make this phrase out)
Scott: You know, If Jack and Ianto were to live happily ever after how do you think they would go about it?
John: Well listen, I think they would get a dog. what do you think Gareth?
Gareth: I-I- uh I think Ianto would responsibly say we're not having kids as long as we're working for um uh a secret organization that hunts aliens. um
John: but I think Jack would s- all of the sudden, being that his... as he gets a little more empathetic with things, he would be bringing things home, for instance-
Gareth: Alien children?
John: Alien children. Or things that they had to take care of before they could send back. And so you would have this kind of, menagerie of things in the house that they would have to keep secret. Kind of like if I were to like, ya know, refer to another show there's a- an animated show out there where they, its a couple with two kids living with an alien. you know the one I'm talking about? (Gareth: mhmm) um uh and its uh- so I think it would be, but in a more serious way they would have that kind of relationship.
Gareth: yeah that uh th- its quite a good idea actually! the f- um That'd be quite a good episode! (John: it would!) You know them finding like an alien baby and they have to look after it. And seeing that sort of domesticity between Jack and Ianto, that's quite good.
John: And the baby would be
Gareth: One for the uh-
John: One for the, No but listen the baby. If it was, the baby could be gender non-specific! so it would be, it w- it wouldn't be male/fe- it would be, I guess you would call it fluid! (Gareth: mhmm!) and how they would have to teach it and it would grow up and they'd have it secretly and privately grow up in their lives!
Gareth: Its getting bigger. The idea's getting bigger now dunno
John: yeah!
James: If, if they- I think if they did end up together like that, and they disbanded torchwood, I think they'd last about two weeks before they started solving crimes in their local area. (everyone laughing) They'd be so, just like, we need some, we need some action! We need some, we need some fun!
John: I just wanna see an episode with Gareth, w- or, or- uh the visual in my mind, with Gareth pregnant!
James laughing
Scott: On which note, I'll draw this little conversation to close. (John: Thank you!) uh. Thank you all for chatting with me. (John: Always a pleasure!) And thank you listeners for listening.
John: yeah, Thank you.
Gareth: Thank you. Thank you.
James: Thank you!
Scott: Byee!!